Learned Helplessness

Learned helplessness is something I learned in psychology.
It is part of conditioning, where a person is conditioned to associate hard work with failure. This results in feeling helpless because failure is felt like it is bound to happen.

I don't know if I have learned helplessness, or if I am thinking of more excuses.
What I do know is that my drive and motivation is being supported by my diminishing willpower.

I felt invincible last year.
I had people I liked around me all the time.
A great girl that I thought was interested in me.
Meeting new people and being positively influenced by my beliefs.

But now I see everything going upside down this year.
Feeling vulnerable.
I'm alone.
The idea of being in a relationship feels so far off.
New people seem to only like me, if they don't know enough about me.

People are keeping this distance away from me this year.
Maybe it's not because of my progress in school, and maybe it was just a coincidence in the timing.
Or maybe I'm being hopeful again, setting myself up for another emotional ride.

- - - - -

Even my mom seems like she is keeping her distance.
Maybe it is because she is putting more time into herself, which is time much needed as she use to put all her time into her children.
But now there is no one person I can lean on.

Now that I have gotten to know my other roommates, I've been regularly drinking and smoking (shisha) whenever I hang out with them.
He's inviting me to his party next month, where we're booking a room up in the club.
I'm planning to go and experience this moment that I'll never go to again.

But what is all of this?
Aren't these things quite pointless, yet I am still doing them?
What I do know is that they at least enjoy my company.
At least their smiles don't seem forced.
Even if they don't care about me, they seem real.