Self-Reflection

Ask myself "what am I?"

-a person that is struggling between thoughts of "Do I believe in God? Or do I just WANT to believe in God?"
-if I truly want to find out, then why am I not putting my thoughts into action? Hypocrisy.
-I would rather enjoy a weekend hanging around with people, drown in manga and snacks, hit myself up with a shot of masturbation adrenaline, and sleep

-I am also in the work force, where I am working under a (pitiful) boss. There are thoughts of needing to confront him directly, making him know that I am open to talking if he wants.
-I am having my first experience with a person (the co-worker) asking me about my faith, and how to improve her own lifestyle. I also have thoughts on how to help her, especially since she just got dumped by her boyfriend.
-I am feeling more superior at work than I should, because I do not need the money necessarily at the moment, and I can be comfortable with everything.
-Sometimes work can just make me numb, and do things because of routine.

-I still do not really trust many people, though there are many people who I am learning to trust.
-I have seen many more people living in Sudbury, I find that people are truly very complex. But, many of them are complex only because of their 'free will', being able to perform many times illogical actions.
-I have developed a habit to do things only if I can be physically and mentally comfortable with (as long as I can anticipate it of course).
-I purposely act in a childish way in front of people so that they can let their guards down, manipulating them to trust me more easily.
-Sometimes I see a person that I deem an idiot, and I push myself away from them.
-I still have a tendency to gain the trust of a friend, by making them acknowledge the bad sides of me.
-I still have that desire for friend(s) to accept ALL of me.

-My suicidal thoughts have not returned.
-my Dad is still not remembering what he has done to me in the past.
-my family seems to be falling apart, and the feeling that only I can help the family because I can tolerate everyone scares me away from going home
-my Dad's health is declining because of gall stones in his body, and yet he does not care.
-I still call them once a month at least, but I am not sure what kind of future we have. Or rather I do not want to think about it.

-I am probably not going to be an alcoholic any time soon.
-I am messy, in my mind and physically.
-I am still 'fit', but needs to look after my body more.
-I have people that are supporting me, and I.... want them to do so without having a need to gain from me.
-I want to have things, without needing to give.
-Life is a lot harder when you start including money in it. It was much easier when I aimed for a job only because of my interests.

-I still want a girlfriend, and the idea of 'being satisfied with being single' is not something I want to accept.
-I have really bad reactions against bug bites.

-I have thoughts about long term benefits, to work hard right now to raise my stats so I can have an easier time later.
-I also have divided different periods of my life into different 'saves'. It's easier to start a 'new game' rather than to try and solve problems because of my mistakes, and therefore I don't want to go back to my earlier saves because it's much too troublesome and reveals my powerlessness.

-I think I will start a 'new game' today. But now that I think about it, how does a 'new game' look like?