I don't want it.

I was talking to my co-worker, and she mentioned how everybody hates her. Which is apparently why she thinks that people will break into her apartment.
When I questioned why, she shot a look at me and ask "Hasn't anybody hated you before?"
I honestly haven't really noticed if anyone hated me, so I answered with "Well nobody has hated me enough to break into my apartment.... though I've never lived in one." (which was not exactly true since I was raised in one back in HK. Anyway.)

Then another co-worker joined the conversation, where the conversation went with "all my friends are Christian, and they are good people."
I tried to correct their idea of Christians being good people, telling them that not all Christians are good.
The conversation ended with "I am hanging around a good crowd, therefore I will more likely have 'good' friends'.

We also talked about being good, where I admitted that I do try to be good.
My co-worker answered with "Yeah, and I don't try to be good."
I was surprised with that, because.... well, I haven't really understood why people wouldn't want to be good.
Do those kind of people see life as hopeless? Or that they weren't born with great wealth? Or maybe they just enjoy the idea of being bad?

I then asked her later in the day, if she believes who I am at work.
Her answer made sense, where that everybody has a different image at work.
So I changed it as "The way I act towards you, why do you think I do it?"
I guess that it may have been too open-end of a question, since she answered "Because that's who you are?"
I was trying to get her to choose between 1) You act this way because you're at work, or 2) You act this way because we're friends.
But yeah.... when I asked her "Why", she couldn't answer.
I don't know if that should raise a red flag, or maybe it was just not something she wanted to answer.
Or does this incorporate with my pride, where I am seeing her as a pitiful person who cannot use her critical thinking. I see her, as a background character more or less.

I don't know, I also don't know how to act around a person when they just got dumped.
I usually understand that I don't know much about dating, so I quiet myself and not say anything at all.

- - - - -

And what about what I see happening around me.
I see many saddening experiences for people, where people get depressed.
Whether it's from getting dumped, school being too stressful, or something insignificant such as another person repinning something from their Pinterest.
Okay, that last one is there just to say that I have seen some stupid stuff.

But yeah, I've seen some depressing things, and I haven't experienced many of them.
I haven't had a girl dump me.
I haven't been destroyed by school.
And this one is big, I haven't had anybody close die.

And that scares me, that I don't know have experience with those situations.
And I somehow relate this to God.
Where I do not have the conviction to let everything go for God.
There's the story of where a rich man tries to follow Jesus, so Jesus asked him to leave everything behind.
The man was super rich, so he couldn't leave it behind for Him.
So what about me?
Dude, I cannot see myself leaving behind my family and what I have.
Losing the ability to go to school, I'm not a failure.
Losing my family? No, my immediate reaction is just "I'd rather go to hell that to lose my family".

So there, I'd prefer my family than doing the 'right' thing which is to love God more.
And loving God more isn't just being loving him 0.1% more, it's likes times infinity.
Well okay, maybe not infinity since humans can't do so, but we are suppose to love Him to our limit, if not more.

And I think this.
Will God put me through a trial, where I do lose everything and I have to put in my faith in Him?
This is where I say "I don't want this."
And yes, I may have prayed before, that if God believes that it is right to do so, that he will put me through this kind of trial.
And then sometimes, I think to myself, why hasn't this happen to me yet?
Why haven't I experienced something horrible like the people around me?
Do I really have some angel protecting me like I believed when I was a kid?
Cause I totally hated the world when I was a kid, I even asked to exchange this angel for the ability to curse people.

What is this?
Does... maybe God.... no wait.
Maybe this is already a trial.
Where God wants me to develop wisdom through watching the events around me.
Maybe I will learn how powerless I am, that I cannot change things around me as much as I want.
Maybe this is a trial that is a prerequisite for me to have to ability to actually succeed in handling losing everything precious to me.
Cause the Bible says that God will never put me through a trial that I can't handle.
Wow.

Maybe it's not "I don't want it" anymore.
It's "I don't didn't want it".