It's not easy being real

When did it start?
When did I start hiding these thoughts, and convinced myself by not thinking about it?

I always doubted everything I did.
Why am I doing the dishes?
Do I really have to listen to my parents?
Should I do my homework?
Can't I just sleep all day?

And I took it seriously.
I took the time to consider how necessary my actions were to myself.
And usually they were not performed because I felt like I had to, but because other people said I had to.

Now I need to look back onto my decision on being a Christian.
Did I really mean it when I made the decision?
Have I taken a serious look at my doubts on my faith?
Am I lying to myself?

- - - - -

Ugh, I already needed a break from thinking.
So where was I....

So do I believe that i am really a Christian?
Well. I believe that I have faith in Christianity.

What is Christianity to me?
That God is real, that Jesus came from heaven and died to save humanity from eternal sin.

And what is this faith?
Faith is an important aspect. I have belief AND faith in Christianity, because I am forced to admit that a human can only understand things in a limited way. I cannot understand God, but I....

Wait, it sounds like you have a lot to say about faith. But not much about Christianity. You would think that people would say things like "Jesus is everything for me, I am nothing without him, I will love him with all my heart and soul, etc."
Hm.... do I see faith more important than God? Well for the past year, I learned a lot about faith, that's for sure. Hm.... did I thought: "If I need faith in life, then I must need faith in God?"

- - - - -

*break*

It's way harder to have a religion behind my back.
Like masturbation.
I told myself that masturbation put too much lust in my life, and I needed to stop it.
How?
Not by praying, or having somebody accountable.
But by using not focusing on it so much.
If I feel like doing it, know that I want to do it.
Don't do it, and think about "I'll not do it tomorrow."
Be aware, and think "I am doing it right now, and this is what's happening at the moment."
And it worked sometimes.
I did it and got it over with, and focused on what I needed to do afterwards.
And I could forget about masturbation for months.

I can see how this way of changing myself is not perfect, and this tactic has failed me before, but it's a whole lot more truthful to myself.
Not thinking about how a god may be seeing me, but focusing on what I told myself to do.

Right now, I can't use that tactic because I should always have God in my mind.
When I have this perfect person judging me all the time, I will always worry about what I am doing.

- - - - -

I worry about everything I do.
Am I doing this for God?
Can I do this to glorify God?

I thought about it for a while, how is this post going to go?
I didn't post for a long time, because every time I was real with myself, I wanted to get away from being real with God.
So I continued my day with putting those thoughts into the backburner.
They come to the front from time to time, but I always put them back.

I'm taking the stance I've always liked to take.
Go with what I feel is right, not matter what opposition there is in front of me.

I'll probably get a bad image, but screw it.
Hm, I say that even though I will mostly like try to hold onto the good image I have with people in Sudbury right now.
But whatever, I'm gonna let go of everything and rebuild myself.