Do I really want to become a Social Worker?

It's my degree.
It's been what I have been calling my goal.

I also want to help children.
I want to see children to not go through situations like mine.
I want to believe that it is possible for those children, even though everytime I get stress I can go straight to thinking that my unchangeable past prevents me from changing.
I'm hoping that it can become reality.
For the children, and myself.

Therefore being a social worker is merely a medium.
You are hoping, and trying to pursue making that hope a reality.

- - - - -

I have trouble coping.
My mind have been full of regrets, and I just want to run away from them.
It's torture.

Why do I have to be aware of difficulties?
Would it not be so much easier to just be ignorant? It would much less painful would it not?

I read this on my Tumblr:
Relationships with people reflect your relationship with God.
How are my relationships with people right now?
Am I taking and taking but not giving?
Are some of my relationships where I just take, and some where I just give? (Yes)
I make friends worry from listening my problems, and I put more thought into how to avoid worrying them rather than working through the problems.

- - - - -

I got to observe my parents again, something I haven't done for a long time.
How does my Mom wake up and does the things she considers as priority straight away ? Why does she repeatedly take care of her children, especially when I am not doing much for the house?
And how does my dad live his life this way?

I tried to imitate other people, I thought that it was something I was good at.
To become a hospitable figure and open myself up.
To become engulfed in activities that distractions have a hard time to come.
But I failed.

And I just thought that it was okay to fail, that trying to be like my role models was just not for me.
But that means I am a failure in my mind.
Even though I reason with "I didn't truly put all my effort", and "change doesn't come that easily".
I see failure, and I shrink away.

I feel like a lie.
I think about going back to who I was, cause I feel like that would be my true self.
But that means that I am admitting that my progress was for naught.

- - - - -

Can I just.... have a fresh start again?
I got to have a fresh start when I moved to Sudbury, no more expectations from people around me.
But then people from Sudbury have this high expectation of me.
I'm scared of expectations, and I pretend to meet it.
It it is not even trying to meet their expectations, but I'm pretending to.
People expect me to be strong, to be satisfied, to be popular, to be understanding, to be mindful....
I don't know anymore.
I just want one thing right now.
To continue to do what I believe is right.

I have become much more loose in that aspect, and gave it much less priority that I should be.
Even when I was a kid, I may have done 'bad' things. But I did them believing that they were right.
Now I give way to the easier route, to just go with the flow.
I don't know why that is, but I need it back.
That is the one thing I am certain of, I need to pursue what I believe is right.
In my daily life.
That is where I start.

Take care of my body.
Sleep. Food. Cleanliness.

And your mind.
Space. Time. People.