Open shut, open shut, o....pen?

Today I had a little get-together with some people at her house.
It was just a regular hangout, where she wanted to chill one last time before she leaves for the year.
And yet, I sat there unable to start a conversation with her.
Wait, was it because I didn't start a conversation, or did she only say one hello throughout the night.
I mean, she didn't even say goodbye when I was leaving.

Or does that mean she is not saying goodbye, because we are having a date on Tuesday?
That's tomorrow.
We decided to go on a hike together, and my plans are to see how she feels.
Confess my feelings, see if they are mutual, talk, and go on from there.

But she barely talks to me when I see her.
She thinks I am upset when I asked her if she having people over, and jokingly said (I was like, why wasn't I invited? XD)
I was trying to express to her that I am not thinking that I am automatically invited, and so I asked her if I was invited.
And maybe I should have done it a different way, maybe without the sarcastic little part.
But that is also part of me.

I feel like she thinks that I am this person who means everything I say.
Okay, I get that she likes that I can be honest and blunt.
But I ain't always like that, I can joke around.
I don't want to always be so serious around her.

And I don't know if it was because I was worried, but I had this huge stomach ache.
Maybe it was because I ate something bad, but it was really similar to my panic attack during my piano exam.
It was less severe, since I didn't have feelings of puking all the time.
But I had stomach pains, like man, serious ones.
And when I got out of the house, I was okay after a minute of sitting in my friend's car.

So maybe the stomach pains weren't because I was nervous, I don't know how to prove it.
But I know that I am nervous, and don't know how to speak to her.

And I know I am worrying too much, but I had been holding it in and trying to sort those thoughts out myself.
Like seriously, maybe we should take more time to get to know each other better.
It all depends on if this relationship really brings us closer to God.
And *sigh*.
Maybe she really doesn't want to go out with me.
Maybe she didn't have those feelings in the first place.
Maybe she changed her mind.
Maybe she didn't like the side of me that wasn't serious.

But what is wrong with that?
I might have decided that going out would be a good idea, but maybe I am wrong.
Maybe it doesn't matter if I go out with her.
Or maybe it's better to not start dating her now.
Maybe I am freaking scared because I let myself acknowledge those feelings that I do like her, and my emotions are on the surface.

No kidding, I will be sad if she says no.
No shit.
But do I let myself feel them?
Or do I numb myself with thoughts of, maybe it's meant to be.
We should still be friends.
She is a good girl, she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Ah, doesn't that feel good?
I won't be feeling as sad, because I am already running scenarios of how she is going to say No.
This way, I will not be attacked my emotions in those scenarios.

But then I think about, what would she think if she knows about these thoughts.
Is it too cocky, that I think that I have the possibility to even meet her standards?
Am I seeing in the future too much, and she doesn't even have feelings for me?
Am I hurtful, thinking about shying away from the relationship when she actually does want to get together with me?

I am, scared of my emotions.
I feel like I'm in one of those predictable movie scenes, where the character does something irrational because of their love life.
Oh, why am I one of those idiotic characters?