Grasping the handlebar

So I just found out that the house I am living in is going to be sold after next year.

Most probable reason is because everybody (except for 2 people including me), are going to graduate after next year.

And I've been aware of that for a while.

Been thinking: "What's going to happen after next year, everybody's leaving!"

I decided I didn't need to worry about the future so much.

But I still hoped that somehow, other people are going fill the house.

And I kind of wanted people who could replace the roles of my current housemates.

I'm still bad at letting things go aren't I?

This was so similar to the feelings I had in Gr8 and in Gr12.

I still want everything to freeze in time, and keep carrying on the way I had in mind.

- - - - -

So my plan, is to move in with one of my Karate senseis.

He lives 3 streets away from where I live at the moment, so he gives me a lift every once in a while.

I can already anticipate how he manages the house, and how he expects me to act.

The rent is adequate, I think he said last time $500. (I'm playing $460 atm)

And he's also a social worker!

But a big thing is that, I can't be as childish like I am with him.

I mean, this guy is in his mid-forties.

He's damn strict, everything he says is suppose to go.

And being in that house, I'll be the only student, so I won't have similar peers around all the time.

Okay, I'm aware, maybe this is what growing will consist of.

And maybe I will become a lot less immature by next year.

But I'm scared.

I'm scared.

I know when I work as a social worker, I am anticipating to meet with many negative people.

And if I meet them in the same state as I am right now.... I might just break.

I don't want to start relying on things that will make me forget.

I don't want to be a single bachelor, that may be addicted to smoking, gambling, porn, drinking, or any of that shit.

Really?

REALLY?

I think I am freaking out.

The future looks so grim.

But.

Waking up each day, and walking out of my room.

I always get reminded that this ain't no perfect world.

This is not some easy RPG that I can have separate accounts on.

I'm really fucking living in a life that's this crazy.

And I've been living so comfortably for the past 19 and a 1/2 years, that it is actually really really lucky.

- - - - -

I did not put myself in a state of denial this time.

I made myself aware, so I won't be struck down with that highly possible wave of grief.

I need to mature to survive.

Physically.

Mentally.

I'm just scared of being pathetic.