I am fucking twitchy.

I am depressed. Okay?

Not a post for self-pity. (I've caught myself and stopped myself from posting certain times)

But I've made a big decision. Not to chase after this certain girl.

And I've really come to realization that I have been building myself up.

Gushing thoughts about how to treat her right, create a good family relationship, trust, be open.

But I'm taking myself away and make myself understand that I am not there anymore.

If I am taking this seriously, I can't let my mind wander in that path so easily.

However, nothing is stopping me from feeling depressed.

I am not sleeping well for the past week.

No appetite and lack of motivation.

My tiredness is allowing me to make bad decisions.

Like hanging out with people just to take away my loneliness, was a bad idea.

Those people I hung out with last night were not bad people, but they weren't the people I should be with when I am depressed.

I'm withering around my bed, calming down, and having intervals of these feelings.

But why am I feeling these things?

I have made my decision, it was not an half-assed one either.

Why does my mind just keep forcing it to think this way?

Why won't it fucking stop?

Loneliness.

Last time I felt uncontrollably lonely was going to Sudbury for the first time.

That September was lonely, and I was comfortable.

Why?

Cause damn, I was talking to the only person I had.

God.

Man, I had no trouble cause I knew nobody and I could listen to God all the time.

Maybe I was dependent on God cause I had nobody else.

But should I do that again?

And go through that again?

What did I go through?

Nothing, just living life with a purpose.

That purpose however, may totally just be a lie.

That thought is always there.

I'm just tricking myself into believing.

What if I accept God only because I am in my state of depression?

- - - - -

Manipulation.

This guy, Jared, dude I don't feel comfortable around him.

I feel like this guy is so manipulating.

He gives off that sense of 'knowing everything beforehand'.

And when you do something, he's like 'everything is going according to plan'.

Today I took a chance and told him about that.

I just don't trust him.

And you know what?

During that conversation, we were discussing about what is stopping me from believing in God?

Was it arrogance?

No? Is it fear?

If it was not either, what is it?

By the last question he asked, I finally found my answer I have been searching for this week.

I went into church for the first time, with expectations of being convinced of God's existence, and I need to avoid those brainwashing thoughts.

I basically talked with people to gain their opinions, but have no intention of agreeing.

Though I have abandoned those thoughts because I have became friends with them.

I always carried that pride.

Going to church for so long, nobody has convinced me to believing in God.

I am strong-willed, and so.... prideful.

So what's up?

I was being manipulative.

Having people around me, using their goodwill to feed my pride.

And I forgot about it. I just mindlessly fed it, totally unaware.

When people ask me what is stopping me from believing, I can't even realize it.

But today I did, and I feel like horrible.

I never knew that Olvie, the girl from Richmondhill, really wanted to help me.

I asked her many questions, but she didn't find it smart to hang around with me cause she's a girl and I'm a boy.

So she asked Jared to help, to give me ride if I needed one, and take me out to talk when possible.

And even though I really don't want call myself manipulative, I did.

She did what she could, and I received it to build myself up.

So if that is all.... then there is basically nothing logical that is stopping me from believing in God.

(this shit is scary man, I'm so close to accepting God.

But you know man, the more somebody asserts something on me, the more I want to say no and be stubborn.)

I've seen and basically confirmed a miracle in me.

I've questioned the bible and existence of God, till I've come to the conclusion that it's most likely that a supernatural being exists.

This part I am not so sure about, but I've skimmed through other beliefs, and still Christianity seems the most believable.

God does not want me to think my way into Heaven.

God does not let me understand him with my puny human mind.

God does not expect me to accept him when I am perfect.

I just don't know how to be sure of everything.

I'm sure that if you (yes, YOU, whoever you are) read this, and talked to me.

If I get any hint that you are trying to get into a conversation about me accepting Christ.

Man, my mind would freak out and my body would get the fuck out of the room.

I'm scared because I am unsure.

I am sure enough, but the lack of 100% sureness scares me.

Can I be sure that I am not lying to myself in any degree?

Is that an even liable question to ask?