Just an Ordinary day

My birthday last weekend.

Well let's just say there's a first time for everything.

First time celebrating my birthday on the day of my birthday, with people other than my family.

First time I drank alcohol.

First time feeling happy because I was the center of attention for the anniversary of my birth.

I wanted to tell myself, that my birthday should be thought of as an ordinary day.

It would be nothing more than getting FB HBDs.

Having people say sorry about forgetting.

Strangers asking me how I celebrated and look at me pitifully when I tell them that I didn't do anything.

I just went out for icecream at Cold Stone.

Jared drove me, along with Carson and Dad (the guys in my current FB profile pic).

Jared told me about car engines, buying alcohol, and farted.

Came home and Phil asked me to try tequila.

Jared, Phil, and Megan told me about their alcohol preferences, and made future plans for my drinking pleasure.

Not the typical 19th "get so drunk that so that you'll get laid" birthday.

But I was happy.

Bubbly.... and I'm sure that it wasn't from the alcohol.

- - - - -

I'm not struggling with Christianity anymore.

More like, I'm trying to disprove Relativity just like how I was trying to disprove Christianity.

And Jared (him again, XD) helped me during our last bible study.

But I'm comfortable.

I don't have to think and debate with myself about my beliefs.

No more migraines, looking at people being hypocritical, opening myself up unnecessarily.

*plays Michael Buble - End of May*

. . . .

But it's true. I'm comfortable.

I no longer go to church because I want to learn.

One, I am TOO OLD for the high school fellowship. I have to go the university fellowship where everybody is really strong in their faith, and we haven't been able to connect yet.

Two, I feel compelled to rather than learning, to be friendly and comfortable.

It's like, the people have accepted the fact that I come and not accept their faith.

And that they don't care anymore.

Well, I think I'll see.

Maybe Christianity is really the answer.

I'll be open to that.

I'll leave that door open, for a while.

- - - - -

Currently, I am scared.

I feel like I am about to crushed within these ways.

That I need to escape, run away, and fly.

Or.

To just stay comfortable in my bed, with the heat on, and my laptop beside me.

No, nothing's wrong.

It just feels like everything I do is become wrong.

I don't know if I truly believe what I do is right anymore.

And even if I know, I can't seem to do the right thing.

I want to do the right thing instead of just being comfortable.

But everybody around me seems to look down doing anything other than worshiping God.

They make me 'comfortable', because they give me company....

Company....?

Am I a leech?

A parasite.... that's all?

Yeah, I can see that in me.

Even if I can contribute, I don't do it.

Lazy. Distracted. Discouraged. Pondering.

- - - - -

All I want right now is warmth and guidance.

And to get better from this cold.