Getting back into the game

I don't want to say it out loud.

But I felt broken.

Actually, I am still broken.

My expectations broke.

My expectations about a potential.

And really, my expectations of myself.

The passion that once burned is now just ashes of my scribbly notes.

I see them but acknowledge that they are just things of my past.

Maybe I can be a little phoenix chick, coming out of the ashes.

Hopefully I can be brave enough to reignite that starter flame.

To not blame other people and just start seeking again.

Maybe not Christianity, maybe not.

But now attack Relativity.

To make a strong understanding is not to just find supporting evidence, but to disprove disproving evidence.

I want to find peace.

Peace, to whatever lengths I can.

So first, start with myself.

There's a men's bible study happening at my house, so I can do that.

I'm willing to skip karate training for this.

And now you may say: "Bible study? Christianity again?"

Well I say: "It's a start. Getting together with non-religious people for moral/religious talks are quite hard you know?"

It's true. Those guys living with me have quite an expansive knowledge about things.

But before I shut down and do my essay.

I have to say, I do have this hatred for people disappointing my expectations.

How to say this.

I knew I was going to lose and not get the main pot, but I had 99% certainty that the side pot was mine.

But I came up empty and didn't get an explanation.

What do I do?

I leave quietly and say to myself: I don't want to ever play this game again.

Maybe I'll play once in a while, but never seriously.