Should I be posting this?

I am sick.

And realized that I am forcing myself to try being christian.

No, no no.

I cannot. Cause if I do, I know that I will change my mind in the future.

There was actually 2-3 months last year, where I was sure that getting baptized was the way to go.

Look at where I am now, way off track.

It is like, running as a spectator while everybody else is on the race track.

I am happy when I see couples getting together.

Not the feeling of 'Oh, so cute! They are meant for each other'. (never did)

But with 'Wow, they are actually dating with the intention of marriage in mind!'

Seeing that real life examples of people talk the talk and walk the walk, encourages me.

But as I said before, no.

I do not see me being a (real) christian.

Give up now.... and continue to go to church?

It's hard to talk to certain people now.

I went to a new bible study, and decided to share my thoughts.

They seemed.... like they did not know anything appropriate to say.

And then one guy did respond. Which got into a debate.

Church has become a place where I learn and develop new perspectives, but is also empty of people who can discuss and give me an answer.

. . . .

Is this one of the things that only I, who can find the answer?

I do hope that something happens.

But it is one of those hopes that I do not see coming.

I feel sad that I am even thinking of giving up.

But even if I do, pursuing christianity was not in vain.

-stares off into the distance-