Where my focus is.

The topic I have been avoiding is the rejection.
I asked a girl out, this girl whom I've been hanging out with for the past year.
This was the girl whom I saw a strong future with, and we went out on 'dates' for the past year.
And when I asked her out, I was expecting a YES, or NO, or I'm not ready yet.

Note that when I asked her out, it in the form of "I want to talk to you about our relationship, and I'm interested in having this conversation at a later time if you prefer".
You know, trying to give her some time to think.

But her was:
Oh, I never thought of you that way.

What....

- - - - -

She mentioned that she would like to be good friends, which was also my intention if she said no.

But it's weird....
I have a friend that I liked in high school, and she told me "Marco, I will never ever like you."
I took that as a challenge at first, a challenge to see if I was serious or not.
And I failed that challenge.
Haha, just kidding. I realized later on that having a couple relationship would not work out for us.
And I think that being told straight up, just made me sure of how she felt.
Now we are friends that can just meet up, and catch up without much awkwardness.
That's one of the best type of long distance friends.

But not with this girl.
I just don't see it that way.... at least, that is what I am saying atm.
I am just.... confused about my emotions.

I noticed a sudden focus upon my studies.
My logic behind is, while I was thinking about this girl, I thought about how strong of a woman she was.
How great would it be to work together to pursue God, and support each other.
I don't see another girl who can match her, at all.

And one of the biggest, most important thing for me is having a family.
I want to have a family.
I want to experience a family that is full of healthy love, strong bonds, and the feeling of safety.
But I just don't see that happening anytime soon.

So you know what, the next thing I can do now, is put all that energy I focused on her, into my studies instead.
Today was a great day according to my productivity.
Went to class at 10am.
At lunch. Chatted with somebody I didn't really know well.
Library for 2 hours.
At dinner, and listen to a random Catholic lawyer sharing about his life.
Went to my next class at 4pm.
Said hello to the karate club, and did some karate.
Went to the gym at 7:30pm, and played badminton till 10pm.

Now I just need to include my devotional time, then I'll be a bit more content.

- - - - -

I don't know how sad I feel.
I think I'm trying my best to numb my sadness.
I think I'm doing a good job atm.