Back on Track

I want to review my past while, but I'm not sure of which part to focus on.

There is work-related.
Friendships.
Romantic feelings.
Motivation.
Housing problems.
School.

I think I'll go with friendships.
There is this group of friends that have been inviting me to out to their gatherings.
This reading week, they invited me to have dinner again. And this time, we made plans to have somebody different to cook dinner for the group.
Meaning we had dinner with each other for 5 days.

I've gotten to share my testimony with 3 out of 4 of them.
That changed the views of 2 of them quite drastically.
S was quite cold to me, but started accepting after hearing.
D was more wary and somewhat pitiful, though it may be just me that's interpreting it that way.

They are all girls, and not girly girls.
They are always driving me to church, the gym, someone's house, etc.
One of them acts really motherly, and.... it's great, though I still do miss my Mom.

- - - - -

I find that I am quite lacking when I am with them.
I start cleaning the dishes until somebody else starts.
I am always relying on them for rides.
I don't provide much small talk.
I've been really gassy lately, and I've accidentally farted (huge ones) on more than 1 occasion.
My life seems really pointless sometimes compared to them. 2 of them already finished University and have jobs, and I'm not really studying hard and play a lot of games.

It makes me feel conflicted when I am with them.
For the farting, I usually laugh when I see their reactions from the smell.
But it's.... moving, when I see them sit there holding there breath, because they don't want to complain and embarrass me.

They let me rant to them, and....
I feel like I'm just always taking.

I feel like all my time is spent for myself.
Gaming.
Reading manga.
Pleasuring myself.
Moping around.

What if I decide to put my time into trying to help others?
I mean, I can't exactly see the goal, but I should be studying.
Cause if I do reach my goal, I can be in a better position to help others.

Commitment.

I don't know if I want to seek satisfaction anymore, it doesn't seem to last.
Reassurance....
Peace of mind....

I wonder what is best?